A new challenge

I've tried to write a new post a thousand times but it always feels so depress-y and I already feel like my blog is a bit of a downer anyway. I'm trying so hard to channel the good feelings into this space but I never really feel the desire to blog until something crappy happens. I think that's why my diaries are all so depressing as well, I never feel the need to write about the good stuff. Maybe that's because I'm out enjoying the good stuff instead of sitting on my computer listening to Conor Oburst and feeling sorry for myself.

So as much as I'd love to share a cheery story with you today I have to be honest and tell you what's getting me down at the moment. Because even if this space does get a bit depress-y sometimes, the comments I get always renew my faith in the world and cheer me up a hundred times over.

I didn't get a placement in Japan. Not for this round anyway, which means I have to wait another 6 months and maybe I'll be leaving in May/June. But I might not even get in that round either! I just wish I had known that it was a possibility that I wasn't going to get a placement, they never told us that. I still want to go and I'll wait until June but I can't hang around in Melbourne for another 6 months and continue treading water like I am. I'm not saving any money at all, I'm not happy at work, and I'm just not doing anything in Melbourne that is enough to keep me here.

So I'm planning to move back home with my parents, work at a local factory and save as much money as possible in the few months that I have left here. It's not exactly an exciting proposition but at least I'll get to spend some time with my parents before I move half a world away. I'm always hoping that living back home will force me to eat a bit healthier and the gym is just down the road so I don't really have any excuses not to get fit again. This is the plan anyway, I still have to apply for a job at this factory and see if I can get in before I do anything else.

Hopefully this way at least if I don't get into the next round of placements in Japan then at least I'll have saved enough money to just head overseas and start doing my own thing instead of continuing to put my life on hold and waiting around forever.

Counting to infinity

On this first day of the new decade I found myself randomly bursting into tears while cleaning my room for no particular reason. I guess I had hoped that by the time we had brought in the new year I would know where I was and where I'm going. Instead I'm still waiting on an email that seems to never be coming while treading water at work until I leave. Essentially I'm in limbo, and it's really starting to get to me. I can't make plans, I can't book tickets, I can't start packing up my room, it's starting to feel like I'm not going anywhere at all. And in the midst of all this I feel desperately lonely and lost, all I want to do is get out there in the world and start meeting people. I'm so glad that 2009 is over because it was a really crappy year, but I just wanted 2010 to start with a bit more clarity and direction than I have right now.