Fighting battles against myself

Well I've been in Japan for officially two months now. It's certainly been the biggest challenge of my life and to be honest I didn't know if I'd even last this long. I've fought off major heart-wrenching homesickness, continuous work-induced panic attacks, overwhelming loneliness and that general overall horrible feeling that you've made the biggest mistake of your life. I really felt like I was failing and that I was a crap teacher and I was one of those people who just couldn't "hack it" in another country. It's really a terrible feeling when you look forward to something for so long and then you get here and think "what the hell made me think I could do this?".

But things are slowly getting better. I still get nervous about work but it doesn't send me into a spiral of panic. I'm still homesick but I'm not crying over the fact that I can't eat bacon and eggs with my parents on Sunday mornings. I'm still lonely sometimes but I've made some really great friends here who make my weekends something to really look forward to. Things are definitely not perfect and I'm not sure that I really love (or like) my job all that much but if I can get through each day and have a little bit of fun and maybe a few interesting conversations then that's a good day. A whole year here feels like a long time and I wonder sometimes if I can really deal with a full year, but I'm sure it'll start going by super quickly soon. I have a lot of things in semi-planning at the moment (day trip to Tokyo Disneyland, climbing Mount Fuji, holiday to South Korea in summer, a weekend trip somewhere with my cousin) so I have a lot to look forward to.

As always a bit of Dr Seuss wisdom fits perfectly with my experience here, my Mum even told me that she's been reading my "Oh! The Places You'll Go!" book that Halia gave me whenever I complain of being homesick and she feels sad.

"I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too.

Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot."

But in times like these all I need to do is look to my crazy Super Junior boys and they make me feel all better again ;)

Konichiwa Nagoya

Kirei desu ne? Watashi wa Nagoya suki desu yo! :)

Sayonara Melbourne!

I know I should've posted about this earlier, but I'm leaving for Japan on Wednesday! Since my last post I finally got that email I had been waiting for (after a horrible week where my phone broke, my apartment was flooded and we were homeless for a week and my car broke down again) saying that I had been accepted into the April placement!


I tried to write this post a million times but I never knew what to say and eventually I just gave up. My feelings have a been that weird combination of excited/nervous/freaked out/terrified/in denial and words haven't really been coming to me so easily. On top of that I've stopped reading blogs, I've stopped cooking and baking and I've been sucked into the magnificent world that is k-pop (korean pop, don't ask). It seems my brain is in another place and I'm not really coping well with this whole leaving-the-country-for-an-unspecified-amount-of-time thing. For awhile I was really emotional about it but that seems to have passed, in this last week of goodbyes and farewell parties I've been surprisingly unmoved. I suppose that even though I keep telling myself that it's the last time I'll see someone/do something/be somewhere there's really no way to actually accept that it's the truth.


So for some details: I'll be living in Nagoya in a one bedroom/studio style apartment (tiny! but cosy?) right near the Kurumamichi station which is just two stops from Sakae (downtown Nagoya). I leave the land of Aus on Wednesday afternoon and I'm staying in a hostel for two weeks during my training period while I wait for my apartment to be vacated. I start training on the 12th and I start teaching two weeks after that! I've been shopping like a mad woman for work clothes as I have to wear very conservative business attire, ie. button down shirt and jacket. And it's actually not that easy to find shirts in Melbourne as everyone here wears blouses and pretty tops instead of button down shirts! Anyway after the ridiculous amount of money I spent I'm pretty happy, I'm excited to show you some photos of my in my full teaching get-up!


I've spent a lot of time in the city over the last few weeks, hanging out with a wonderful girl that I met at the Japanese consulate who just left for Japan yesterday morning to study Japanese north of Tokyo, and also with the magnificent Halia who I only met in person for the first time on Saturday! I love hanging out with the city and I really wanted to soak up as much as I could because I know I'll miss it a lot when I'm gone. So I drank coffee in Fed Square at Beer Deluxe (best coffee ever) while people watching at the Saturday Book Market, I drank Asahi at the riverside bar on Southbank, I ate dumplings in Tattersales Lane, I ate cupcakes on the lawn of the State Library, I went to two comedy festival shows and I took numerous sets of silly photobooth photos at the Japanese and Korean "photo world's" on Swanston Street. In all I think I did a pretty good job of sampling Melbourne's little pleasures!

So for now I'll say 'mata ne' (see you later) and hopefully when I'm settled into my apartment in a few weeks I'll have lots of photos to share with you and I can start blogging again properly! Minasan arigatou gozaimasu, ganbarimasu! (Thankyou everyone, I will work hard!)

A new challenge

I've tried to write a new post a thousand times but it always feels so depress-y and I already feel like my blog is a bit of a downer anyway. I'm trying so hard to channel the good feelings into this space but I never really feel the desire to blog until something crappy happens. I think that's why my diaries are all so depressing as well, I never feel the need to write about the good stuff. Maybe that's because I'm out enjoying the good stuff instead of sitting on my computer listening to Conor Oburst and feeling sorry for myself.

So as much as I'd love to share a cheery story with you today I have to be honest and tell you what's getting me down at the moment. Because even if this space does get a bit depress-y sometimes, the comments I get always renew my faith in the world and cheer me up a hundred times over.

I didn't get a placement in Japan. Not for this round anyway, which means I have to wait another 6 months and maybe I'll be leaving in May/June. But I might not even get in that round either! I just wish I had known that it was a possibility that I wasn't going to get a placement, they never told us that. I still want to go and I'll wait until June but I can't hang around in Melbourne for another 6 months and continue treading water like I am. I'm not saving any money at all, I'm not happy at work, and I'm just not doing anything in Melbourne that is enough to keep me here.

So I'm planning to move back home with my parents, work at a local factory and save as much money as possible in the few months that I have left here. It's not exactly an exciting proposition but at least I'll get to spend some time with my parents before I move half a world away. I'm always hoping that living back home will force me to eat a bit healthier and the gym is just down the road so I don't really have any excuses not to get fit again. This is the plan anyway, I still have to apply for a job at this factory and see if I can get in before I do anything else.

Hopefully this way at least if I don't get into the next round of placements in Japan then at least I'll have saved enough money to just head overseas and start doing my own thing instead of continuing to put my life on hold and waiting around forever.

Counting to infinity

On this first day of the new decade I found myself randomly bursting into tears while cleaning my room for no particular reason. I guess I had hoped that by the time we had brought in the new year I would know where I was and where I'm going. Instead I'm still waiting on an email that seems to never be coming while treading water at work until I leave. Essentially I'm in limbo, and it's really starting to get to me. I can't make plans, I can't book tickets, I can't start packing up my room, it's starting to feel like I'm not going anywhere at all. And in the midst of all this I feel desperately lonely and lost, all I want to do is get out there in the world and start meeting people. I'm so glad that 2009 is over because it was a really crappy year, but I just wanted 2010 to start with a bit more clarity and direction than I have right now.

Cupcakes of happiness

All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on.
It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out.

-Albert Camus

Oven baked joy

Go on, have a look at this photo and just try not to be joyful. Isn't that the magic of honey joys? Pretty bird platters and op shopped tableclothes help too. I'm feeling a bit down at the moment because of a few mean people so I need all the joy I can get these days. Yummy power seems to work just as well as pretty power, and as always I'm just telling myself that this is a test of my strength so I can be prepared for the big move to Japan. I'm a very sensitive person and I tend to take criticism very personally and I doubt Japan is going to be all cute kids and silly songs all the time. I need to learn to toughen up a bit and just accept that not everyone is as empathetic as I am. Though really, would it hurt people to just be nice?