Monday, December 20, 2010

Looking up.

I went to church today. I don't usually go to church, and I'm not a Christian so this was a significant event for me. My friend invited me to her church's Christmas party and there was a service before the party which was mainly playing Christmas games and singing Christmas songs. I don't know how I feel about religion. It's always been something that sat kinda strangely with me. I wasn't raised religious, but I wasn't raised to be against religion either.

I've always believed in God (or something) and as a child and a teenager and on a few occasions as an adult I've prayed. When I was a kid I asked for stupid things, then as a teenager during that horrible shit time I prayed just for strength to get me through it, and as an adult I prayed for guidance because I felt so lost. I don't really know why I did it, I didn't really expect anything magical to happen. But for some reason, getting down on my knees and putting my head on my bed (cliche I know, but it *feels* right) and speaking out loud, even if I was talking to myself more than to God, I always felt like a weight was lifted and I could start to see more clearly. Usually, the second I spoke, I was in tears and just repeating "Help me, help me, what should I do? I can't do this" into my bed covers until my body was tired and I'd just sit there in silence for awhile. Eventually I'd sit back, wipe my eyes and go back to whatever I was doing before, feeling like I'd at least emptied my heart of whatever emotions had been building up in there.

At the service today people were making speeches about their own personal experiences with God and learning Christianity, because most Japanese people aren't Christian but find it later in life. Everything was in Japanese and English, so I could understand what was going on. I found myself tearing up a couple of times and I wondered why. I felt bad that I was there and I wasn't a Christian and that when they talked about Jesus and the bible a little part of me wanted to roll my eyes. But when they talked about their struggles and how they prayed for an answer, I knew how that felt and I understood their pain. So it made me wonder, is this something I should do? I feel like I could never really fully embrace Christianity, and I'd feel like an impostor if I tried.

Honestly I don't even know who I'm praying to when I'm praying. I call it God because that's what we all learn. But I don't know if it's a Christian God or if it's just the universe and fate and destiny and luck that I'm praying to. Religion is such a touchy topic, it's just too difficult to talk to people about without someone getting offended at some point so usually I just keep my thoughts to myself about it. I know I'm not the only person who prays without knowing who they're praying to though. Least we're all in that together then right?


Just_Jon said...

That is seriously a great story that speaks to so many people. One thing I know about God or Christianity or whatever you want to call it is that it is good. There is hope when you pray. There are so many ways to try and define it or make it religious. Seems like every time we ever REALLY need God, that's when we decide to reach out not even expecting him to answer just knowing that having something greater or better than ourselves in control would give us comfort. If u wan talk some I'm Down find me :)

Susie Blue said...

I know how you feel,
I regularly go to church gatherings with my partner and although I'm not a Christian,the experience speaks to me the way it does to you.
I've often wondered whether feeling sure I did not believe and sure that I did was a contradiction only I went through. I've felt sure that religion had to be black and white and that my confusion was some form of stupidity or ignorance.
Reading your blog today made me sure of myself and my confusing beliefs.
Thank you for brightening my day.