There are things I try to put out of my mind so I don't miss them, because I know it's not worth it because I can't have them back anyway. Stupid things like my bed, baking, walking down my street, drinking tea on my balcony, driving, being able to *speak* to shop assistants. Non-stupid things like sitting in my loungeroom with my friends, my brother's unrelenting easy-going-ness, my mum's hugs, my dad's.. dad-ness. I put it out of my head because I know if I think about it I'll only miss it more and get upset, it's better to pretend I don't miss it.
But now I sit here and I think about the reality of my dreams. And it's easy to think about how wonderful it is to live in another country and how great my plans are to move to Korea next year and Europe after that and god knows what else. But the reality is that I'm not going home. And I don't know when I'm going home. And I never really think about that for too long because, as I always remind myself and my students and my friends here, I don't have a job back home. I don't have a future back home. But it's still my home. And it's still where my friends are, and my family is, and the part of me that loves Melbourne so much I can't help but brag about how great it is to everyone I meet.
And I wonder when it gets easier? When does not seeing your best friends and your family become ok? Because four months isn't a long time, I can get through this much. But a year down the track, two years? When people have changed and I've changed and our lives have changed, will our friendship have changed? Will I still know my family like I did then? Already I hardly speak to my brother despite having lived with him for the past 3 years, he was never good at phone conversations but surely we should try before it's too late and we don't know each other anymore?
I wonder if I'm still running. Running from whatever it was back home that made me tired and bitchy and upset all the time. Sometimes I feel happy here. But at night these sad thoughts rip through me like a knife and I don't know what to do with them anymore. And I think maybe it'll be better in Korea. But what if it's not? Will I run again? Or go back home?
Friday, August 27, 2010
In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
- The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel –
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I want to write. I want to take photos. I want to bake. I want to be more than I am here. Why do I feel like I'm becoming a newer better person here but I'm sad that I'm losing a part of me that blossomed and flourished through this blog and all those blogs I used to read? Am I losing that creative part of me? Have I been swallowed up into k-pop fandom so much that I've forgotten the person I used to be? And is that a good or a bad thing? I know that a lot of my photos and musings were inspired by feeling lonely and misplaced, so is it such a bad thing that I've moved on from that? Is this bouncy eager part that I play at work really me or am I just letting this fake personality take over my life? I really don't know what I want anymore. Except that I want to write, and take photos and bake. The only future I can see that makes me happy is to open that cafe/bookshop/bar that I've dreamed of a few times over the years on this blog. But it's too scary to even consider. There's no way I could ever open my own business. It's a nice dream though. It's 2am and I have a cold and I'm getting up in 7 hours to have lunch with a Japanese girl who I've never met before who may or may not speak English and I have absolutely no time to prep for a bunch of new special classes I have to teach next week and.. I just don't understand myself anymore.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
What a day. Following a night that involved six hours of Karaoke and only two hours of sleep I went on a road trip to the beach with some friends. The beach was so beautiful, the water was crystal clear, calm and deep. The sand was soft and not like the many gravel beaches around here. Families pitched sun tents and parasols, played volleyball on the beach and floated around in inflatable rings. I've never had such a relaxing time at the beach! In the water we watched as fish swam around our feet, floated lazily without even trying in the super salty water and watched as one friend swam out so far we thought she was headed for Korea! On the sand we lay under our parasol, ate sandwiches, shared earphones and music and discussed the differences between Japanese, Korean and Spanish. In all, a very good day.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I'll be honest with you, all of these photos are from my iPhone. My desire to carry a camera (even a tiny one) around in my bag which is already heavy from textbooks and pencil cases and god knows what else, is zero. Thank the iPhone gods for photos apps.
I do want to start blogging more, even though I've been terrible at it this year. I'm starting to feel this creeping need to write more, although I've always hated what I write. Maybe if I just post random drabbles on here it'll clear my mind more? It'll at least give me something to during these nocturnal hours considering I don't seem to get to bed until past 2am these days. We'll see how I go, I can always delete them later I suppose.