It's far too late for logical thought

I want to write. I want to take photos. I want to bake. I want to be more than I am here. Why do I feel like I'm becoming a newer better person here but I'm sad that I'm losing a part of me that blossomed and flourished through this blog and all those blogs I used to read? Am I losing that creative part of me? Have I been swallowed up into k-pop fandom so much that I've forgotten the person I used to be? And is that a good or a bad thing? I know that a lot of my photos and musings were inspired by feeling lonely and misplaced, so is it such a bad thing that I've moved on from that? Is this bouncy eager part that I play at work really me or am I just letting this fake personality take over my life? I really don't know what I want anymore. Except that I want to write, and take photos and bake. The only future I can see that makes me happy is to open that cafe/bookshop/bar that I've dreamed of a few times over the years on this blog. But it's too scary to even consider. There's no way I could ever open my own business. It's a nice dream though. It's 2am and I have a cold and I'm getting up in 7 hours to have lunch with a Japanese girl who I've never met before who may or may not speak English and I have absolutely no time to prep for a bunch of new special classes I have to teach next week and.. I just don't understand myself anymore.