There are things I try to put out of my mind so I don't miss them, because I know it's not worth it because I can't have them back anyway. Stupid things like my bed, baking, walking down my street, drinking tea on my balcony, driving, being able to *speak* to shop assistants. Non-stupid things like sitting in my loungeroom with my friends, my brother's unrelenting easy-going-ness, my mum's hugs, my dad's.. dad-ness. I put it out of my head because I know if I think about it I'll only miss it more and get upset, it's better to pretend I don't miss it.
But now I sit here and I think about the reality of my dreams. And it's easy to think about how wonderful it is to live in another country and how great my plans are to move to Korea next year and Europe after that and god knows what else. But the reality is that I'm not going home. And I don't know when I'm going home. And I never really think about that for too long because, as I always remind myself and my students and my friends here, I don't have a job back home. I don't have a future back home. But it's still my home. And it's still where my friends are, and my family is, and the part of me that loves Melbourne so much I can't help but brag about how great it is to everyone I meet.
And I wonder when it gets easier? When does not seeing your best friends and your family become ok? Because four months isn't a long time, I can get through this much. But a year down the track, two years? When people have changed and I've changed and our lives have changed, will our friendship have changed? Will I still know my family like I did then? Already I hardly speak to my brother despite having lived with him for the past 3 years, he was never good at phone conversations but surely we should try before it's too late and we don't know each other anymore?
I wonder if I'm still running. Running from whatever it was back home that made me tired and bitchy and upset all the time. Sometimes I feel happy here. But at night these sad thoughts rip through me like a knife and I don't know what to do with them anymore. And I think maybe it'll be better in Korea. But what if it's not? Will I run again? Or go back home?